Reflective Thought Is Not Internal Conflict.

It is difficult to remain in the moment. With an upbringing always focused on how one can improve one's self, I have constantly found myself gazing into the future, trying to predict the outcome of actions I have not even taken. Then, doubting the outcome of those actions, I would get caught in a cycle of contemplation back and forth between the possible outcomes. Locked, or "blocked" by a vibrating state of inaction, eventually nothing would happen and the possible experience in life would pass and be gone. I have spent a large portion of time in my life, debilitated by such fenced over-contemplation. The anxiety associated with such self-doubt is quite honestly paralyzing.

And all of it because over analysis and fear of the moment, shook my mind into disarray.

When I have allowed myself to make decisions in a spontaneous manner, they did not have to be without logical and rational deliberation. They could quite honestly be thought of carefully, and laid out in a fashion that was very useful. Not all such arguments result in the affirmative. Sometimes thoughtful reflection results in an inaction, and those inactions were for the best. Some inactions have preserved my existence. Others, though - the ones resulting from crippling fear rather than rational choice, simply prevented me from experiencing joy. I can think of one time in high school, when an absolutely beautiful belly dancer came to campus during our lunch hour and was prancing down the halls, and chose to single me out and try to pull me in to dance with her.

I froze, and pulled away.

A beautiful woman, and I turned away.

Froze.

Out of fear.

Crippled by societal pressure.

A quadriplegic through the pecking order of childhood.

Here I stand now, in reflection, knowing full well the countless times I did not allow myself to talk to people (not just women), purely because of indecision that occurred due to internal conflict. Yet, if I allowed myself to get caught up within these personal regrets, again I would continue to be weighed down by the past. Gazing into the black hole of what might have been, the void stares back and reaches out, using all of its impossible gravity to hold me in orbit or pull me in. If I take the lessons I've learned from the shadows no longer illuminated in my life, and turn away from the singularity, I will no longer get stuck in a moment I cannot change. Instead I will move forward with my life, utilizing a growing set of tools I have acquired from the historical perspective. I don't discard the tools I've sharpened, but I don't spend my life time connecting every tool to a story and reciting those stories. Clinging to the past, like a comforting old blanket, can carry disease upon that old and soiled cloth. Wash the cloth, or better yet, replace it with one that is new. One that works for the now, and does not merely preserve the sentimental comforts.

I want to live now, but I find myself worrying about the future. I find myself feeling inadequate to face the future. I may not have all of the tools for that distant horizon, yet. But what I keep neglecting to remember, is that in the present I will continue to accrue experiences in preparation for that long struggle up the next set of foothills, and up the higher peaks. I will be ready to reach the summit by the time it comes to climb that central, and seemingly impenetrable fortress. I will rise to the occasion, when the time is right. When I am presented with the obstacle, I will be ready.

I just need to remember that decisions are spontaneous, and to trust myself enough to know that I will make decisions. Enlightenment is not about making the right choice every time, it is about believing in one's self enough to know that you will make errors -- and that you can live with them. The more experiences I have in life, the more right choices I will make. The only truly wrong choice, is one that does not allow you to learn. Choosing wrong, you still learn. Choosing no action out of fear, you learn nothing -- and therefore the only truly wrong choice.